Living And Learning.

I have been trying to compile these thoughts for weeks. I find myself writing and rewriting this post in my head constantly and my thoughts never seem to come to any sort of end. My mind trails off and then an hour or so later I find myself elbow deep in baby poop or driving to Walmart and it starts all over. I am hoping now that I finally am sitting down to type them out they flow better on paper that in my jumbled brain. A big thanks to Nora and Stella for playing so nicely right now while baby Mabel naps, giving me a few moments of silence to collect my thoughts. This may start to ramble but I have felt for many weeks that it is important for me to journal about this past year. I do not mean for anyone to be hurt by this. It is merely a record of my feelings and how this roller coaster I have been riding, sometimes as a willing rider, other times stuck in the harness being thrown for a loop, has changed me.

May 2012:
I was pregnant with my Mabel and living next door to some of our best friends. The neighborhood was charming and beautiful. The kids and I could walk to the market, Starbucks, numerous friends' homes, a quaint little bookstore. I had tired days and hard days with my littles but for the most part life was perfect. I don't know how I got so lucky. Due to unfortunate circumstances beyond our control we were asked to move. My heart broke. Tears still well in my eyes as I type this and think of that season of change in our lives. We had no luck finding a new place to rent. I had been packing for weeks not knowing where we were headed. While driving out to Herriman one Saturday to visit my in-laws I reluctantly succumbed to the feeling that we should move in with them for the time being until we found a place.

June 2012 - December 2012:
We moved in June. I was six months pregnant.  I felt betrayed that none of my friends came to help or say goodbye. Life as I knew it was gone and would never be the same. Herriman was hard. So hard. I felt out of place in Herriman. I don't scrapbook or own a Cricut. I wear flip-flops to church. I have tattoos and take my kids to lunch on Sunday. I was not included in the neighborhood play groups or joy-school. Aaron was commuting an hour each way to and from work. And in six months of living in Herriman I only ever had one visitor. I have never been so lonely in my life. I naively thought that living with family would mean a little relief on my part. It would have been a blessing. But instead I felt like I had more responsibilities. Mabel was born in October and her sweet presence helped me feel more at peace. I was worried about having three little ones so close in age. Mabel saved me.

December 2012:
We got word from some dear friends that a duplex would be open for rent back near our old stomping grounds in Salt Lake City. We called the landlord the day after the tenants gave their thirty days notice. We moved four days after Christmas. I got in the car and cried all the way back to Salt Lake City. A blubbering mess I rolled down the window and handed a homeless man all the cash in my wallet. I hope his day was as good as mine was. He probably thought I was crazy.


This past year has been the hardest of my life. I have been a bad Mom for a lot of it. I have yelled, spanked, cried and punched walls. I am grateful that my kids are young enough that time will erase these memories from their minds. I am grateful for the friends who have stood by me. I am grateful for the peace that came from letting go of relationships that were not healthy. I am grateful to know that God has a plan for me and will not give me trials I cannot overcome. I am grateful that I can see the light at the end of this tunnel.  But I am most grateful for Aaron, Nora, Stella and Mabel. My family.

Today:
Today I have a new place to call home, three beautiful girls and a hardworking husband. And today I have been a good mom.

My Mom's Got Skillz.

When I was little my Mom used to sew my three sisters and I (and little bro when he came along) matching outfits for special occasions. This year she made my little girls Easter dresses. They felt so special and fancy!
Thanks Mom, Love You!!!

Dear Nora.

My sweet Roo Roo. I am forever grateful for April 5th because that is the day your beautiful arrival made me a Momma. You are an incredibly smart, funny and wonderful four-year-old. Wise beyond your years with a heart of gold. I do not know how I became lucky enough to deserve you. I love you to the stars Tootsie. Happy Fourth Birthday!

Love you forever,

Momma

*We let you get your ears pierced after almost a year of asking. Not a tear was shed and you are proud as can be. My little princess.

Dear Mabel.

Happy Half-Birthday. Sorry you had to celebrate by getting a cold and an ear infection. Even though you are sick you are a still the sweetest baby to ever live. These past six months have been the fastest of my life. I know that so much will change in the next six months and it makes me excited and terrified. You are trying to sit on your own right now and soon you will get teeth, love food, crawl, walk and turn one...and i'll probably cry just like I did at six months. Your blonde hair continues to sprout straight up and you have acquired quite the impressive leg chunk, weighing in at almost 17 lbs. (Still smaller that your sisters at 6 months if you can believe it). I love you to the stars sweet Maybe Baby! 

Love you forever,

Momma

From The Mouth Of Babes.

Yesterday Nora was staring at Stella's bum with a deep look of contemplation on her face. When I asked her what she was doing she replied: "Mom, Stella's pants look silly like Uncle Hunter's...like he is wearing a skirt around his bum." I laughed for a good five minutes and still smile when I think of this. Stella has gotten really tall lately and it looks like she is going to inherit the Wagstaff gene of the no-bum just like Uncle Hunter. Which means her pants sag all. day. long. 

Oh and Stella has starting calling what she previously referred to as her little boobs as her bottles now...it only took nearly six months for her to realize mine have milk in them for Mabel. 

From The Mouth Of Babes.

Last week my little sister Courtney was down visiting. For some reason we were talking about direction and Nora was listening in. She tried to say direction too but was having trouble so on her first try she said dissection and on her second try she said erection. By the third try she got it right but was a little confused as to why Courtney and I couldn't stop giggling. If you are wondering where Nora has heard either of those words before my little sis is a nurse and she is always telling me funny medical stories. Apparently little ears are always listening...

On another play date with Courtney we were headed to Paradise Bakery for lunch. Courtney and I were chatting in the front while I drove. Meanwhile Nora and Stella were talking in the back. Nora kept repeating "Abra Cadabra" over and over. I heard her but didn't pay much attention. Apparently she was trying to get Stella to say the magic word in order to get Nora to share her blanket with her. Stella was struggling and couldn't pronounce it right. Then out of nowhere we hear a frustrated Nora shout: "Fine Stella, JUST SAY CHEESE STICK!"
The rest of the day whenever Stella wanted something she said "cheese stick."

Oh and yesterday as we were leaving my parents house after Sunday dinner Nora leaned over and whispered in my ear requesting that I don't tell Daddy that while she was watching a show on the iPad on his side of the bed earlier she farted under his blanket.

I Love Them.

Dear Stella.

Oh Stells,
You feisty little thing. I often forget you are only two with all the spunk and personality you have. You talk my ear off these days and overnight decided you are now a big girl. The cutting off of the mullet helped the big girl appearance too. Your birthday was celebrated with cake, dinosaurs (at the Natural History Museum) and Captain Rio (a.k.a. Cafe Rio) upon your request. You didn't even care if you got gifts as long as you got cake, but we gave you some Duplos and a little backpack too. You finally are sleeping through the night a little better in your big girl bed but still get up at the crack of dawn. It makes for a grouchy Momma but i'm trying to work on that. Naps are becoming less and less frequent but often times you fall asleep in the car or on the couch right before dinner. You have decided you don't want to eat meat of any kind and will only eat all your other food if it is in tiny tiny bites. Meal times these days are sloooow. You seem to be happier each day if we can take a break and play outside. And you love to be hands on with things like blocks, Duplos and Play-Doh and have no interest in t.v or being read to. You would rather play and read alone in peace. I don't blame you ha. You love your sisters to death. You can always get a smile out of Mabel and you want to copy everything Nora does. Your Daddy and I love you to stars sweet Stella. Happy Golden Birthday!!
Love,
Momma