Living And Learning.

I have been trying to compile these thoughts for weeks. I find myself writing and rewriting this post in my head constantly and my thoughts never seem to come to any sort of end. My mind trails off and then an hour or so later I find myself elbow deep in baby poop or driving to Walmart and it starts all over. I am hoping now that I finally am sitting down to type them out they flow better on paper that in my jumbled brain. A big thanks to Nora and Stella for playing so nicely right now while baby Mabel naps, giving me a few moments of silence to collect my thoughts. This may start to ramble but I have felt for many weeks that it is important for me to journal about this past year. I do not mean for anyone to be hurt by this. It is merely a record of my feelings and how this roller coaster I have been riding, sometimes as a willing rider, other times stuck in the harness being thrown for a loop, has changed me.

May 2012:
I was pregnant with my Mabel and living next door to some of our best friends. The neighborhood was charming and beautiful. The kids and I could walk to the market, Starbucks, numerous friends' homes, a quaint little bookstore. I had tired days and hard days with my littles but for the most part life was perfect. I don't know how I got so lucky. Due to unfortunate circumstances beyond our control we were asked to move. My heart broke. Tears still well in my eyes as I type this and think of that season of change in our lives. We had no luck finding a new place to rent. I had been packing for weeks not knowing where we were headed. While driving out to Herriman one Saturday to visit my in-laws I reluctantly succumbed to the feeling that we should move in with them for the time being until we found a place.

June 2012 - December 2012:
We moved in June. I was six months pregnant.  I felt betrayed that none of my friends came to help or say goodbye. Life as I knew it was gone and would never be the same. Herriman was hard. So hard. I felt out of place in Herriman. I don't scrapbook or own a Cricut. I wear flip-flops to church. I have tattoos and take my kids to lunch on Sunday. I was not included in the neighborhood play groups or joy-school. Aaron was commuting an hour each way to and from work. And in six months of living in Herriman I only ever had one visitor. I have never been so lonely in my life. I naively thought that living with family would mean a little relief on my part. It would have been a blessing. But instead I felt like I had more responsibilities. Mabel was born in October and her sweet presence helped me feel more at peace. I was worried about having three little ones so close in age. Mabel saved me.

December 2012:
We got word from some dear friends that a duplex would be open for rent back near our old stomping grounds in Salt Lake City. We called the landlord the day after the tenants gave their thirty days notice. We moved four days after Christmas. I got in the car and cried all the way back to Salt Lake City. A blubbering mess I rolled down the window and handed a homeless man all the cash in my wallet. I hope his day was as good as mine was. He probably thought I was crazy.


This past year has been the hardest of my life. I have been a bad Mom for a lot of it. I have yelled, spanked, cried and punched walls. I am grateful that my kids are young enough that time will erase these memories from their minds. I am grateful for the friends who have stood by me. I am grateful for the peace that came from letting go of relationships that were not healthy. I am grateful to know that God has a plan for me and will not give me trials I cannot overcome. I am grateful that I can see the light at the end of this tunnel.  But I am most grateful for Aaron, Nora, Stella and Mabel. My family.

Today:
Today I have a new place to call home, three beautiful girls and a hardworking husband. And today I have been a good mom.

Today I Took A Shower.

And that is a miracle.
Today has been hard. Now that I can laugh about it I can tell you all about it without wanting to cry.
It began at 12:15 a.m...
I had just drove in the driveway after watching the Bachelor with my ladies. Aaron tells me Nora has been fussing on and off for two hours. She is getting over a cold and Aaron didn't even need to finish his sentence before I knew Nora had yet another ear infection. Luckily our pediatrician has a walk-in clinic from 8-9 a.m everyday so we didn't need an appointment. But I did need to wake Mabel up to get out the door before 8:30. I was a little ticked that her ears couldn't have waited one more day to bother her since I have Mabel's well baby visit tomorrow. Oh well. The doctors findings: Double ear infections. Again. It has never been just one ear. So we head off to Dan's to the pharmacy. Mabel is screaming because she is hungry and refuses to nurse in the car. The kids are whining and I am getting light headed since I haven't eaten anything yet. We make it home around 10 a.m. just in time for me to make two crock pots of taco soup for tonight. You see...I have 11 ladies coming to play Bunco and of course it's my month to host. My mom dropped off a lamp for me to borrow around 11:30 since our front room has no lighting and Bunco in the dark might be a little challenging. I was whining to her about the ear infections when i'm sure someone up in heaven got sick of listening to my pity party and decided to really give me something to whine about....
Stella wiped her chocolate hands all over the couch.
Then she decided she didn't want mac-n-cheese for lunch so she left the kitchen and barfed it up on the carpet.
I decided it was tub time. It always seems to calm everyone down.
The girls were playing mermaid (entire bodies submerged "swimming" in the tub) while I cleaned the kitchen. When I went to get them out 15 minutes later I was horrified to find Nora had pooped in their ocean.
I drained the tub showered the girls and got them out to dry.
Stella walked out of the bathroom and peed on the carpet.
Once they were dressed and watching some Netflix I proceeded to disinfect the bathroom.
I walked out to find Stella sitting on Mabel in the baby swing....
Then life calmed down, I took Nora to dance, bought myself a giant Diet Coke and Stella fell asleep in the car. That's when the miracles started raining down on me.
1. Stella let me carry her inside asleep and is still sleeping!!!
2. Mabel fell asleep too.
3. I GOT A SHOWER!!
4. And I got to sit down for the first time today.

...I still haven't washed my hair in four days...but maybe that's a miracle for tomorrow.
Now to clean the rest of the house before my hubby and eleven women show up. Wish me luck!

Dear Sweet Ones.

I am sorry I have been a cranky/short tempered/beast of a mom lately. I am sorry for all the house hopping and the lack of normalcy I have forced upon you. I am sorry that you, Sweet Stella, turned 16 months and I hardly noticed. And you, My Tootsie, have been craving my attention and I have been blind to it. I love you both to the stars and back. You are my everything. I am going to be better. I am going to take you on adventures and be the "cool mom" I vowed to be years before I had kids. We are going to go camping and swimming and stay up late all summer because all too soon the summer will be over and we will find ourselves missing the ninety-something degree heat and long days. I am excited for fall and baby Mabel, but for now she is content in her watery womb and I am going to spoil you girls rotten. Love you!! -Mom

 Preferring the dog dish to her swimming pool.

 First time at the community pool.

 Tired baby #1.

 Tired baby #2.

BBQing with Papa Doug on the deck. (Costco jammies are a wardrobe staple around here)

 Enjoying Daddy's survival hammock.

Nomad.

In the past six days I have stayed at four different houses. This weekend will mark home number five before heading back to Herriman (where we moved in with the in-laws last week). This past week and a half has taught me many life lessons.
1. My husband, the girls and I can comfortably live with just the items that fit in one laundry basket.
2. I am a lucky girl to have in-laws who care so much about my little family.
3. Herriman is not the place for me. I need city living or extreme country...the in between of Herriman doesn't suit me and I feel like I am losing my marbles.
4. Having kids who adapt well to change is priceless.
5. I will never have a husband who has to commute longer than 30 minutes each way to work. (The apartment hunt and/or job hunt continues)
6. Moving while pregnant is easier than moving with a newborn (which we have done with Nora and Stella) but I look forward to a time when we don't have to move every year of our marriage.
7. Leaving good friends hurts my heart like a bad highschool break up.
Here's to praying we find some normalcy before Mabel arrives. Speaking of which, I get to enjoy a glucose test, blood test and a rhogam shot in about an hour. Yipee. Nothing like a giant needle stuck in my fat ol' butt cheek. Happy 4th of July everyone!

For The FTM's Who Read This Blog. (Sam & Emma)

Never fail to bring a diaper and wipes with you everywhere until you kid is 3...and counting...and usually a change of clothing for the littles until they are one...and then again once you potty train them for a few months just in case. Or you might just end up two blocks from home at the local Starbucks for tea and chocolate milk and have the worst blow out of your mothering experience. You would think being preggo with #3 that I would have learned this important lesson but apparently not. I was high and dry (not so dry really) with no diaper or wipes. Poop everywhere. All over Bubba, her clothes, her legs, dripping down her feet, the stroller, my dress and the floor. I had no wipes and no idea what to do. So I walked home with Toosie by my side both Bubba and I still covered in feces. The natural solution right? Sorry Starbucks. Lesson learned.

Friday The 13th.

Was I superstituous before today? No. Am I now? Maybe...
Friday the 13th has taught me:
Basements flood and Blake from Apollo Rooter is your new best friend.
Motherhood is a game of 'Let's Make A Deal'.
It is only natural that when one kid falls asleep the other will wake up.
If you leave bread on the counter with in tiny hands' reach it will end up as bird food all over the front room.
Ovarian Cysts may not be cysts at all but tiny aliens overtaking my baby making organs.
I would do just about anything for a Diet Coke or Arnold Palmer right about now.
House cleaning is way overrated.
My friend Ellen is a godsend. Truly.
It may be the 13th, but it is Friday...
and the beginning of a 3 day weekend for my lover!

Don't walk under a ladder today people.