Friday, April 12, 2013

Living And Learning.

I have been trying to compile these thoughts for weeks. I find myself writing and rewriting this post in my head constantly and my thoughts never seem to come to any sort of end. My mind trails off and then an hour or so later I find myself elbow deep in baby poop or driving to Walmart and it starts all over. I am hoping now that I finally am sitting down to type them out they flow better on paper that in my jumbled brain. A big thanks to Nora and Stella for playing so nicely right now while baby Mabel naps, giving me a few moments of silence to collect my thoughts. This may start to ramble but I have felt for many weeks that it is important for me to journal about this past year. I do not mean for anyone to be hurt by this. It is merely a record of my feelings and how this roller coaster I have been riding, sometimes as a willing rider, other times stuck in the harness being thrown for a loop, has changed me.

May 2012:
I was pregnant with my Mabel and living next door to some of our best friends. The neighborhood was charming and beautiful. The kids and I could walk to the market, Starbucks, numerous friends' homes, a quaint little bookstore. I had tired days and hard days with my littles but for the most part life was perfect. I don't know how I got so lucky. Due to unfortunate circumstances beyond our control we were asked to move. My heart broke. Tears still well in my eyes as I type this and think of that season of change in our lives. We had no luck finding a new place to rent. I had been packing for weeks not knowing where we were headed. While driving out to Herriman one Saturday to visit my in-laws I reluctantly succumbed to the feeling that we should move in with them for the time being until we found a place.

June 2012 - December 2012:
We moved in June. I was six months pregnant.  I felt betrayed that none of my friends came to help or say goodbye. Life as I knew it was gone and would never be the same. Herriman was hard. So hard. I felt out of place in Herriman. I don't scrapbook or own a Cricut. I wear flip-flops to church. I have tattoos and take my kids to lunch on Sunday. I was not included in the neighborhood play groups or joy-school. Aaron was commuting an hour each way to and from work. And in six months of living in Herriman I only ever had one visitor. I have never been so lonely in my life. I naively thought that living with family would mean a little relief on my part. It would have been a blessing. But instead I felt like I had more responsibilities. Mabel was born in October and her sweet presence helped me feel more at peace. I was worried about having three little ones so close in age. Mabel saved me.

December 2012:
We got word from some dear friends that a duplex would be open for rent back near our old stomping grounds in Salt Lake City. We called the landlord the day after the tenants gave their thirty days notice. We moved four days after Christmas. I got in the car and cried all the way back to Salt Lake City. A blubbering mess I rolled down the window and handed a homeless man all the cash in my wallet. I hope his day was as good as mine was. He probably thought I was crazy.

This past year has been the hardest of my life. I have been a bad Mom for a lot of it. I have yelled, spanked, cried and punched walls. I am grateful that my kids are young enough that time will erase these memories from their minds. I am grateful for the friends who have stood by me. I am grateful for the peace that came from letting go of relationships that were not healthy. I am grateful to know that God has a plan for me and will not give me trials I cannot overcome. I am grateful that I can see the light at the end of this tunnel.  But I am most grateful for Aaron, Nora, Stella and Mabel. My family.

Today I have a new place to call home, three beautiful girls and a hardworking husband. And today I have been a good mom.


Kimerly said...

Heather, you said it just right. Thanks for sharing your heart with honesty and courage. Love, mom

Holly said...

I love "realness" online. Thank you. Lonely is a terrible place to be as a mom. The highs and lows of this occupation can be nauseating sometimes. But like you said, hopefully things will even out a bit when they're older, and they won't be able to recall any of it in their therapy sessions.

The Taylors said...

You are a great mom. Its been a hard year-but its going to get better!! I'm always here!